Intermission
Today I was reminded by my dear friend and mentor Melanie Hale to not rush the process. She said think of it like a balloon you were expanded way out here (insert big hand motions) then you compressed, be there for awhile, rest, don't rush into the next thing. I took a big breath, I exhaled. I was feeling pressured by that inner voice, telling me I wasn't doing enough. That pesky, grating voice saying look at that person over there they are doing so much better than you, you should be working harder towards your goals. For those of you who are new to my special type of neurosis let me fill you in, I Jenifer Ezell am a workaholic. My bad habit is being in love with "hustle & grind". I am terrible at knowing when to recharge. I say yes to everything, to everyone in fear of missing an opportunity or letting someone down. I used to use work as an escape mechanism to avoid dealing with my problems but then work became one of them too. I found myself consumed in my identity as a yoga teacher, as if it were the only defining thing about me. I was starting to grow out of the confines of my space that I had poured my literal blood, sweat and tears into. The universe tried to give me gentle nudges, I heard it, but I wasn't actually listening.
I was beaten, broken, depleted, downright exhausted of hoping the problems would change. I didn't want to make this decision it was hard, it was scary, it meant the possibility of never going back. In late June of 2021 the collective energy of multiple beautiful humans in my life, unbeknownst to them kept encouraging me to face my fears, to listen to my intuition. She (my intuition) had spoken, it was truth, it was time to believe her. As I sat on the beach in Mentor Headlands, Ohio watching the waves roll in on a windy evening at dusk I took a breath, I exhaled. It was time for a costume change...
Being behind the curtain was a hell of a lot scarier then being front and center on stage. People tried to make me feel better by saying "on to bigger and better things" but that didn't resonate with me. I was leaving relationships that I spent a decade forming. My students and my yoga home was everything to me. Nothing could possibly compare than the magic we created together. I was devastated, I went through a rollercoaster of emotions and doubt. My bad ass friend and doggo godmother Jeannette was the first student I told about closing the door. My heart was racing I was so unsure of what she would say. Would she be mad at me? Would she not care? Would she still be my friend? When I told her that I wasn't on to bigger and better things just the next act she said to me "this is your intermission". In that moment I will forever remember the feeling of peace and certainty that washed over, in and through me. It was time to take my intermission, to go behind the curtain and refresh, reset, and get ready for Act 2.
With each passing day I begin to feel more at ease with my decision. I have been enjoying the extra time for myself, I am doing better practicing what I preach, my creative mulitpotentialite sparks are ignited, I am fully present for myself and others. My healing is a process, it takes time. I am grateful for the gentle reminders to breathe, to exhale. In the poetic words of Trevor Hall: You can't rush your healing, darkness has its teachings, love is never leaving. Originally written 08-12-21.
With love from my heart to yours,
Jen
P.S. Can we PLEASE stop glamorizing overworking even when you are following your passion. The absence of sleep, nourishing foods, exercise, relaxation, and no time for fun isn't something to be applauded. Too many people (myself included) wear their burnout as a badge of honor. This has to CHANGE! We are human beings not human doings. When is the last time you took a pause to actually breathe??? Maybe its time for your intermission...